My Hiatus

I have not written anything for a long time, which should tell you one thing.  I have stopped taking care of myself.  I have felt so restricted this past month, and stifled, and alone, even though I have many people around me.  The busier I got, the less time I spent looking inward and it is definitely taking it's toll.  I am bitter, angry, and snippy.  And most importantly, I am not happy.  Why is it so hard for me to say that I am not happy?  I have all these ideals in my head about how things should be, so why aren't they that way?  And since life isn't "picture perfect" as my mind thinks it should be, it would make sense that I am not happy.  So does that mean I need to change my ideals to better suite those around me?  But if I do that, then I am going back to my "codependent ways" of pleasing everyone else around me.

It is so out of character for me to just not care about anything or anyone else around me, and only worry about myself.  But the second I start focusing on my self, my sense of self worth disappears.  I want and sometimes even NEED to be needed by others.  It gives me something to do.  I have ended up imploding instead of exploding the last few weeks, which isn't necessarily a bad thing.  It could end up backfiring on me though if I am not careful, because instead of sharing the thoughts and feelings going on inside of my head and inside of my body, I am keeping them to myself.  Keeping something to yourself, not technically a bad thing, but if it gets to the point where I am stuffing "me" deep inside again, then we will have a big problem.  I don't feel very safe revealing my true self right now though, which is why I am back here at my trusty blog.

There is more that I want to add to this post, but I need to think about it some more.  Like I said, I haven't been looking inwardly much this past month, so I need to dig through all of the busy, and find me again.