Quality Time

I will start this post out by saying that I have had a TREMENDOUS amount of amazingly positive things happen in the past few weeks, but like most people you are less like the write or "vent" when things are going well.  So I absolute plan on writing some positive posts soon, I just need to get this out.  This is the reason, after all, that I started this blog.

There have been a few things that have been continuously coming up in my life.  And I am not exactly sure why. The first being the fact that I get extremely upset at my children when they start picking at each other.  For instance, if my daughter starts picking at my son, I get very angry at her.  And vice versa, if my son keeps annoying my daughter, I get very angry at him.  Secondly, I have been overwhelmingly angry at my daughter during homework time.  I can't seem to handle it when she doesn't "get it".  And lastly, I basically have a weekly melt down because I want to see my boyfriend, we only get to see each other on Sundays and Mondays (granted it is the entire 2 days).  By Thursday usually, I am beside myself.  And I end up fighting with him for whatever reason, essentially pushing him away.  So these are the 3 things I would like to deal with in this blog.

Lets start with the boyfriend.  Him and I started dating long before I ever found out I was codependent.  And I have to be honest, trying to maintain a relationship with him during my recover has proven to be extremely difficult.  As I try and find my voice, and stand up for my own thoughts and emotions, I run into road blocks with him telling me that I am overreacting and being irrational.  Which I don't necessarily disagree with him, but I still want to be acknowledged.  If I say that for some reason the sky appears purple to me, I know it's not purple, but still, I see purple.  I want someone to help me understand why I am seeing purple.

My therapist and I have been talking about this very thing, and she often tells me, when did you feel like this as a child?  And I don't even have to think about that one.  Of course, my relationship with my dad.  I could have screamed my wants and needs to my dad until I was blue in the face, but he still did whatever he wanted to do.  Which is probably the reason, that I began hiding away my deepest, passions, dreams, and emotions.  No one cared, so why bother.  And I literally, had not one soul to talk to.  All I really needed was for my dad to want me.  To want to talk to me, to want to love me, to want to hold me and call me his favorite.

 But instead, I got lectures about how I was the oldest, and I needed to step up and be a spiritual example to my sister and brother.  If I wanted to do something such as get my ears pierced, I had to go into the Bible and write a short essay on where it said it was acceptable to get my ears pierced.  My dad had read the Bible from cover to cover MANY times.  He knew that was an impossible feat.  I was probably 10 or 11 at this point.  I started babysitting my sister and brother when I was 8 years old.  I remember my mom telling me that my dad was pretty hands off with me and my sister.  He didn't really get involved with the kids until my brother was born.  My brother changed my dad, I guess.

Once I became a teenager, I started acting out.  My dad didn't notice me when I was following all of the rules, so maybe he would notice me if I wasn't following the rules.  That somewhat backfired on me.  He started a new job with FedEx, and was gone some times for 2 weeks at a time.  It became a game for me.  How much can I get away with before he notices.  Because my mom already knew, she just turned a blind eye.  And anyway, I didn't want her attention.  I wanted my daddy's attention.  My knight in shining armor.  The man I had put on a pedestal.  And he just simply did not want me.  It wasn't until I had become addicted to my "recreational use of drugs" that he noticed me.  This is when he had me sent to jail, and then rehab.  More time away from him.  Still to this day, I can't get my dad to notice me.  I will call him to talk to him, and he interrupts me MID-SENTENCE to tell me he has to go.  Thankfully, my God has proven to me this past month that he has paid very close attention to me all of these years in reminding me of the passions that make me, Jen.  So I have faith that I will overcome this extraordinary pain that I am carrying.

Knowing that, you can see why I fight so hard to be heard, and to be noticed.  But I am fighting to the detriment of my relationship. Sometimes I just want to give in, and stop trying to get him to not only hear me, but listen to the cries deepest in my heart.  To give up trying to get him to see my side of the story and where I am coming from.  But to do that would just throw me back into the viscous cycle of always looking for something to fill me up or someone to tell me that I am worth it.  I need to know that I am worth it and embrace that fact on my own.  Because I am beautifully and wonderfully made.  I am loved by many, and most importantly loved by my Creator.

So how then, do I get my wants and needs across to others without sounding needy, bitchy, and annoying?  Well the answer just floated into my mind.  When I stop trying so hard to be noticed and heard, that is when the cries of my heart will scream the loudest.  Meaning, I need to start focusing on loving myself, and taking care of my own needs.  Which means I am going to need an action plan, in order to remember these things.  My therapist wants me to write my own "Bill of Rights".  That will be a good starting point.  I also need to have some activities ready to go for when I start getting really lonely, and begin desperately reaching out for the love and acceptance of others.

Action Plan

• Make a list of projects around the house I want to complete.  When I am lonely, pick one and get to work.
• Have a favorite book handy to pick up and read when I want to pick up the phone and start dialing or texting.
• If I am kid free, look for a last minute yoga class to get myself grounded again.
• Write a letter to my dad crying my heart out to him and burn it, allowing myself to release those hurts so I stop taking them out on other people.
• Put the laptop down and go hiking or for a walk

I am thinking that is enough for now.  It is a good start, and it gives me some healthy activities to focus on rather than focusing on the fact that I am not with my boyfriend, driving me to drive him insane.  Who knows, maybe it will give him a chance to miss me.

After a good five minutes of crying during my paragraph about my dad, I am exhausted.  I must get to sleep, but I will elaborate on the other two "moles" later.

***UPDATE:  I had an epiphany today... I hate being with myself, so why would anyone else like being with me?  SO my new goal, is to learn to enjoy being with myself.  And to start spending some quality time with myself.  So I am going to create a box (beautifully decorated).  In that box I am going to put several things that I LOVE doing, including some yarn and crochet needle, a book that I have been wanting to read, some magazine projects I have wanted to complete, a journal for my thoughts, and other things I might find along the way.  So when I feel especially needy or lonely and I am craving attention, I will make a date with myself for some quality time, and grab something out of my box.  I am looking forward to truly getting to know myself better.