My own worst enemy

There is so much that I still need to write!  I just haven't found the time.  Actually that is a lie.  I haven't been able to come up with some "creative" time, to try and write.  I am notorious for always looking for the "perfect time" to do something.  But what I am learning about myself, is that I just need to start writing.  Even if it makes no sense.  Because eventually, through all of the chaos in my mind, clarity begins to seep in.  So here I am writing.

So much has happened this past month.  I thought I was all alone in the world.  That no one understood me, or even cared to understand me.  I learned that from a very young age.  It did not matter if I wanted to do something, or if I thought something, or if I felt something.  What my dad said went... period... end of story.  So of course I thought that I as a person did not matter.  I even felt that way about God.  Sure He is omnipotent, sure He loves us all, and sure He is faithful, just not to me.  Everyone else's lives were far more important than mine.  That's how I honestly felt.  I knew I shouldn't feel that way but I did.  Well, I can definitely erase that from my mind.  God has shown himself to be so incredibly faithful to me this last month. 

Once the initial shock of finding out I was codependent was over, I felt very lost.  Where do I go from here?  How do I find my voice again?  How do I learn about myself, become back in touch with the person that God created?   Slowly, God started providing those answers for me.  

I went to church two weeks ago, after having been gone a month, and opened up the bulletin.  We were having a grand opening for our new building, so there was a list of needed volunteers.  As I am reading through it, I get to the worship service section, and the words jumped off of the page like a tree frog.  

SINGERS

This is how my dialog with God went: "Umm... God, I am a musician, remember?  I don't sing."  His response was something along the lines of, "Tough, singing is what I want you to do.  You asked me how to get back in touch with yourself and I am giving you an answer"  I stare into oblivion for a second, and say, "Ok, fair enough.  But seriously, have you heard me sing? LOL"  His response was "You are you when you sing.  And I think it is beautiful. Singing is not something you can fake.  I want you to sing."  So I say, "Ok God... I will sing.  But you better have a miracle ready, because I will not be able to do it on my own, I might throw up on stage or something."

Although comical, this is very close to how it played out!  But the more I thought about it, the more I knew He was right.  The only thing that has been in my life consistently is music.  I played flute for eleven years, and I LOVED it.  I gave it up right around the time I got deep into my drug use.  How exciting!!

Later that same day I went to a movie by myself.  YES!!!  I went by myself.  Huge step for me.  It was Step Up 3 in 3D.  I love dancing movies, they are my guilty pleasure.  As I am watching, I think to myself, how in touch with your body do you have to be to be able to move like that!!  I was amazed.  And then like thunder from the heavens, God's voice once again entered my thoughts... "EXACTLY".  Of course!  To give you a little background information on this epiphany.  I have been dealing with the fact, that I am so completely unaware of my body, that I don't even know where I received different injuries.  So of course I asked God how to become more aware of my body and of myself.  So dancing was how He wanted me to do it.  And as of today, I have found a Zumba buddy!  I am very excited!

Lastly, after my most recent visit to the therapist, I talked about the fact that I had no "I want to be a ________ when I grow up" memories from childhood.  How could I have gone years, and had no idea what I wanted to be!!  I was very disturbed by the fact that I had no dreams for my adult life as a child.  A few days later, I went to see Eat Pray Love with some friends. (Amazing movie by the way!)  By the end of the movie, God had helped me to remember the one and only dream that I had as a child.  I have ALWAYS wanted to be a missionary.  I had never felt such joy in my heart.

God has shown me three things this month.

1. When I thought no one was paying attention to me, He was.  He remembered every little dream and aspiration that I have ever had. This realization has been the most profound thing that has happened to me this month. 
2. When I thought no one loved me, He did.  He had never stopped loving me, and there was nothing I needed to do to earn that.
3. When I thought I was so lost that I couldn't tell the difference between up and down, He knew exactly where I was.  And as soon as I regained my sense of direction, He was there.  Waiting for me with open arms.

 I am so excited about what God has in store for me in the future.  And I am so thankful, that I was finally receptive enough to listen.